I have made a shocking revelation. It has rocked my view of the world to its core, which is fitting because the core of the world itself is in grave danger. It is an epiphany that, unless spread, may destroy all that we hold dear. It is, my friends, the now undeniable secret that cheese is a fruit.
All of the signs have been so expertly erased that it is nearly impossible to discover the truth on your own. The place in which the Signal has revealed itself most obviously is in the famed cheese from Switzerland. The indentations within the deceptively harmless surface have been left by the greatest giveaway - leafy stems.
Who, you ask, has perpetrated this dreadful hoax? Who has torn the stems from the fruit and given credit for its production to the cows, rather than the photosynthetic plantae cells contained in flowering organisms? It is, my friends, that which we fear most, that which remains most unknown to all of us from across the stars - the aliens.
They have slowly invaded the world ever since creation, and their lies about cheese production are the first among the many instances in which they have stuck their several noses in where they don't belong (the most recent being the last Indiana Jones movie. I mean, honestly, what the hell was that?) But their motivation for the Cheese Deception, while still foggy, is beginning to become clear. A brief history of their greatest conquest follows.
Over two millenia past, a great alien general descended from the skies and made his home on earth, in a beautiful, Mediterranean area called Italy. He guised himself as a handsome, strong, charismatic human and named himself a name known to all men after him - Julius Caesar.
The history of the life of Julius Caesar is well-known to mankind and does not need to be related at length here. It must be said however, that among his many conquests was that of the people of Britain. Now the Celtic people inhabiting the British Isles, a the learned know, were extreme worshippers of the sun. This was one of their main motivations for resistance to Roman rule, which would replace their solar-based worship with irritating gods who could never find anyone with which to mate except their own children.
Thus the Cheese Deception. Celtic polytheism - though this is known today only to five people on Earth - was directed towards the sun because of a discovery attributed to it, a discovery they felt was so spectacular that it merited worship for the creator. I mean, of course, cheese, which - as a fruit - lived off the sun. But a cleverly orchestrated deception designating cheese as a creation of cows and NOT the sun shattered the Celtic faith system. Britain was taken over by Caesar, who, as we all know, subsequently had sex with almost everybody in the country, infecting it with alien blood. And, hundreds of years later, when Britian became England and ran rampant around the world, the English raped everybody as well, and the alien gene spread to encompass the entire world!
Now you know the dire consequences of the Cheese Deception. It was used to spread the alien gene to Britian, who, in turn spread the plague through the entire world. It's too late! It's all over! The alien lives within you now - there is no escape! And you shall all become slaves to the aliens, and the human race shall fall. Woe! Misery! Despair! For the alien gene is in you, and you are infected. Destruction! Horror! Death! It is over. The fight is useless. Even now I hear the voices of a particularly vicious alien race ringing through the sky. Even now I hear them droning:
"Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!"
And the alien gene is within you now. There is no escape.